From: US Independent Travellers: ‘When it comes to travel, we’re no apprentices!’
To: Mr D Trump, POTUS, Dip.(Sh*t)
thanks you for booking your forthcoming trip to the United Kingdom with us. Please find below details of your final itinerary, with notes and suggestions for add-on activities.
1700: Arrive from Brussels to London St Pancras, Eurostar
Welcome to the UK. Please note that we understand there is placard making and offensive chanting festival event coincidentally taking place around the time of your arrival, and this is likely to be attended by several thousands of people. This is perfectly normal. It is traditional for arriving guests to show their appreciation to participants by waving and smiling inanely.
1800 Depart for black tie event with your wife at Blenheim Palace with Prime Minister Theresa May and 100 of her closest ministers and political allies Update: This may be relocated to the snug room at the nearby Kings Arms depending on how low numbers drop over the next few days. Watch this space!
2200: Helicopter transfer to Regents Park. Please note that we understand that the annual vein popping and vitriolic abuse convention is coincidentally taking place in the Park during your visit and will involve at least 10,000 participants. This is perfectly normal and nothing for you to worry about. The placing of a turd in the air conditioning Unit of your overnight accommodation is also a local, harmless custom which you should try and enjoy.
0800 Travel to Chequers for meetings and bilaterals about foreign policy. In response to your query to us earlier on today about what Chequers is, we believe you must have misunderstood Mrs May when she was moaning to you about brexiteers going back on their agreement at Chequers last week – this is a COUNTry Retreat.
1600 Donald heads off to meet the Queen. Melania to spend time with Philip May. Please find enclosed a short straw for the 4 of you to distribute amongst yourselves as you see fit.
Travel to Scotland to spend time at Turnberry and other local golf courses. Please note that all Scottish golf courses are expected to be unusually busy over the weekend for the annual ‘throwing warm urine from a container at a sitting US president’ convention, which this year will attract an estimated 100,000 visitors. This is perfectly normal. Please show your appreciation by wiping said urine off hair, face and body in as dignified a manner as possible.
15th of July. 1800 hours. Your trip is now sadly coming to an end. We hope you have made many happy memories. Departure will be from the local Offyafuck airport. Yep, Offyafuck.