Conservative curiosity Jacob Rees-Mogg is reported to be ready to face the word under his new identity of Jake ‘The Geezer’ Moggster, after spending a week at an exclusive boot camp in an attempt to reinvent himself as a right tough-nut. The move comes as a prelude to making an attempt at grabbing the party leadership from beleaguered Theresa May and giving her a good hard slap on the way out.
The bespectacled oddity is said to have dropped his ultra upper class Wodehousian persona along with his double-barrelled surname, and is instead now modelling himself more on Danny Dyer than Gussie Fink-Nottle. A photograph is circulating on Twitter showing the now heavily tattooed North-East Somerset MP stripped to the waist and mugging to the camera with his fists raised, challenging any Remainers to come and have a go if they think they’re hard enough.
His constituency agent told reporters: ‘All will be revealed shortly, but there is some truth in the current speculation. Jake Mogg will be holding a press conference at Westminster and will be also making an important announcement. Now fark orf and write something proper cushty if you know what’s good for you, you muppets.’
Meanwhile supporters of the Moggester are said to be delighted. Darren Clapp, from Peckham whose parents, during the Thatcher years, bought the dilapidated flat in the tower block where he now lives said: ‘Great news. I think that Mr Rees-Mogg really connects with me and my kind. Some say he’s a bit stuck-up but I won’t have it. Empathy with the scum of the earth like me is his real skill.’
‘He knows what the poor and disadvantaged have to endure and now he’s going to be a well proper geezer in Parliament too and that, then I can’t wait for him to right all those wrongs. I’m hoping we can welcome him down the pub shortly and, if he could glass me and call a nonce, then I can die happy. Sorted.’