Holiday-makers are reporting gridlock on the roads and all forms of coitus have ground to a halt, as people take to the streets in support of Owen Smith. Despite 75% of Labour voters expressing a preference for his opponent and the remaining 25% having mislaid their ballot paper, a groundswell of public support for Mr. Smith is electrifying the nation – like a tasered testicle.
Bunting lines the streets, hordes of teenage girls swoon and even the Pope has boasted of touching the man they call Labour’s saviour. Explained one Owenite: ‘Many people are asking – who is this man of mystery running in the election? Or maybe they said – it’s a mystery why he’s running. Either way, voters have Owen Smith on their lips…or it might be a cold sore’.
A social media sensation on ‘Friendsreunited’, Mr Smith is the second gigantic arse to break the internet. Nothing can stop his propulsion – once it actually begins. While even John McTernan has endorsed him; with the typical good judgement of someone who encouraged Tony Blair to invade Iraq.
Lately Smith-groupies have packed out anime conventions, in numbers upwards of three, bursting into tears at the mere sight of their idol. Handmade t-shirts publicly advertise their love with the phrase ‘I’m with stupid’. While the man himself comes ever closer to sealing victory – by changing his name by deed poll to Jeremy Corbyn.