After surprising the world with his relaxed views on homosexuality, Pope Francis has stepped-up his attempts to modernise the Catholic Church by enlisting the services of style guru Gok Wan in a bid to ‘makeover’ the Church’s hierarchy.
‘There’s absolutely no reason why a bishop or a priest can’t look divine and fine’, said Gok as he arrived at the Vatican today. ‘These guys have been in some kind of fashion coma for about five centuries, so I’m here to wake them up and tell them that religion can be sexy. They’ll be preaching the word of Gok in no time.’
In his first lesson to the Pope and his cardinals, Gok asked them to form a large circle, strip naked and stare into full-length mirrors until they ‘accepted their body shapes’. ‘If you can’t even love yourselves,’ explained Gok, wagging his finger theatrically, ‘don’t expect God to.’
One bishop was delighted with the new form of instruction. ‘I’m finally getting in touch with my true self,’ he said. ‘Gok has taught me that long and drab garments are all well and good in a prayer-room setting, but if I want to make a real splash on the weekends I should try a lime-coloured suit and a Burberry baseball jacket with my clerical collar. I finally have the confidence to look religious and sexy. Thank Gok.’
The Pope, who has ditched his ‘cumbersome’ ceremonial headdress and replaced it with a camouflaged beanie, is thrilled that his followers have really taken to the wisdom of Gok. ‘The guys are looking fab,’ said the leader of the Catholic faith.
He then sashayed away from the camera, strode confidently down the aisle of St Peter’s Basilica to cheers of ‘Work that catwalk, sister!’, before becoming the first pontiff to deliver mass in a leopard-print loincloth.