Edith Bonner, 76, from Halesowen in the West Midlands has emerged as the hot favourite to win this year’s Masterchef competition, after John Torode declared her ‘deconstructed’ main course of shepherd’s pie and boiled cabbage a ‘retrochic masterpiece’.
The permanently angry former laundry worker, who has reluctantly cooked the same two meals for her family for the last 60 years, also won praise for her unpretentious approach to service, by telling the semi-final judging panel of three Michelin-starred chefs that “Yow can ‘ave that an’ bloody well like it”.
‘At first, I didn’t think Edith had what it takes to go all the way, especially when she served up pork chop, boiled potatoes and boiled cabbage for the first three rounds running,’ Torode said. ‘But the truth began to dawn on me when she said “Yowm fussy. That were good enough for my grandma and it’s good enough for yow an’ yow can bloody well eat it”.’
‘The truth is, I’m fed up with these hipster wannabes and their rouxs and jus and ganaches and coulis and whatever other daft names they have come up with for a smear of orange-coloured sauce on the edge of a slate. In honour of Brexit, it’s time for some proper British cuisine from straight out of the age of rationing.’
Marcus Wareing commented: ‘I love the way Edith has deconstructed this traditional dish by turning the gas up so high the potatoes were singed off and the mince turned grey. But the real masterstroke is her innovative ‘cabbage three ways': boiled, boiled to mush and boiled to absolute buggery. This is traditional British cuisine of the highest order and the other finalists have got a massive job on to compete with her.’
Gordon Ramsay added that Mrs Bonner’s choice of ingredients was ‘*$)”*£($*^*%Mmm £(%*^*% good’. Monica Galetti could not be contacted for comment as she was locked in the Ladies, pouring water on the arm that got singed by gravy the temperature of molten lava when Mrs Bonner banged the plate down in front of her.
‘Edith’s main challenge could be the dessert,’ Torode ventured. ‘Her Angel Delight out of a package hasn’t quite hit the heights but Gregg Wallace said he would have mine if I didn’t want it. Either way, this has been a great series. Cooking doesn’t get tougher than this – and neither do pork chops.’