Met Office issues amber warning for normal weather

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With Britain’s recent heatwave now nothing but a dim and distant memory of some twelve hours ago, The Met Office has urged everyone to be extremely careful now that temperatures and conditions have reverted to the more normal Summer state of ‘cool and changeable’.

A spokesman said:  ‘We really need to be extra vigilant as with the mercury having plummeted to 17° there may be problems, particularly for the elderly, who could once again be preparing to venture down the shops with their wheelie trolleys, barking the shins of pedestrians as they dawdle around like zombies while not bothering their backsides to look behind them and see the trail of destruction they’re leaving in their wake.’

‘They may also be encouraged to congregate in supermarket aisles blocking them up while chuntering on:  ‘Oh, it’s a bit chilly today, Ada, ain’t it?’ and ‘I see Bert’s gone… heatstroke got him in the end.’

Meanwhile cutting a forlorn figure on Bournemouth Beach is Toni Fossi of Toni’s Ices, as he stands beside his van without even one customer waiting to be served at the hatch.  He told us: ‘That’s it for me.  I’ve been blasting out The Teddy Bears’ Picnic all morning but I haven’t had one single customer.  I’m ruined and thinking about taking the van down to Spain.  Bollocks to yet another typical poxy British Summer!’

But it’s not all bad news as the dramatic change in our topsy-turvy weather has already seen a spike in the demand for thermal underwear, umbrellas, heavy overcoats, woolly scarves and balaclavas with one retail chain reporting bumper sales figures and another planning to open ten new stores.

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Posted: Jul 29th, 2018 by

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