‘Eric Smith, Chief Pastrophysicist at WASA (Wigan And Standish Aeronautics) explained: “The ingredients for perfect pastry have been mined in Wigan for thousands of years. Now, those very same ingredients have been discovered on Mars, therefore as proud Wiganers we feel it’s our duty to mine Mars on behalf of the human race. The fact that we’re getting there before any other north-west borough council is of scant consequence.’
‘All edible parts of the spacecraft are made from raw triple-enriched Spacetry which is the highest density pastry in existence. The spacecraft’s hull is carefully laminated using very thin layers, mille foie style, and encased in a one-way heat transfer foil tray, like a pie. Designed to be eaten from the inside out, each layer contains a Pastronaut’s daily nutritional allowance of vitamins, minerals and flavourings incorporated to reflect a five-year calendar of meals. Friday’s layer will be fish flavoured, two layers later will be slightly thicker containing a fry-up and Sunday roast.
The main rocket is in essence a tall, slim, upside-down pie, full of fuel but no meat. The fuel being a combustible high-octane variant of traditional meat pie juice, which in the consumable fuel tanks will stay at the traditional near-boiling point for its entire use. The pie-hole at the rocket’s base is precisely skewered for maximum thrust with the edging channelled to achieve optimum lift but still look appetising.’
‘Due to the density and weight of the spacecraft, nicknamed ‘Sue T’, it’s estimated it will take four hours to clear the launch tower and three days to escape Earth’s atmosphere. It will then proceed towards the Sun, utilising its gravitational field the craft will perform a juice-saving slingshot manoeuvre to Mars. Calculations using Hollywood’s inverse square law for thermopienamics will enable the extremely volatile solar atmosphere to begin carefully cooking the craft which will rotate around its long axis to ensure an even bake. After leaving solar orbit the craft will slowly continue cooking for the entire nine month flight, emitting steam internally to be captured for heat and sterile drinking water.’
Eric added: ‘In conclusion, there is a strong commercial aspect to this endeavour, but essentially we’re doing it for the good of the human race. Apart from Warrington and Widnes, they can whistle.’