CID officers have demanded bigger noticeboards on which they can put multiple pictures of suspects linked with complex networks of string, claiming that modern crime is too complicated for Office Outlet’s ‘standard serial killer’ size of 900 x 600 millimetres.
Hardboiled detectives, many of them with mayonnaise, say that serious wrongdoers are avoiding arrest simply because Police Forces won’t shell out on boards large enough for gruesome murder photographs, blurry pictures of men in balaclava helmets taken with telephoto lenses, close ups of dents in 90’s Jaguars, shots of blood spattered bathrooms, silhouettes of unknown suspects and lists of local sex offenders and 24-hour takeaways.
The Police Federation has also called for Velcro-enabled surfaces, claiming that drawing pins can often be the cause of workplace injury that ends up with officers leaving their posts to attend casualty, putting the Doncaster region at increased risk from escaped prisoners, who the public have been asked not to approach.
One senior detective reported that a true crime documentary maker looked at his detection board and actually laughed at its size and lack of polaroid pictures of blowsy looking women who may have seen something. The detective said: ‘The bloke from Channel 5 refused point blank to make a chilling 6 part series about our murder. He told us we should be using coloured string and our patterns were far too simple. He also warned that the adhesive on our Post it Notes wasn’t strong enough to help in the search for a tragically missing child for whom hopes are fading, but who was probably murdered by his war-damaged uncle on whom we have been keeping a close watch although that may be a red herring and the child may still be alive but locked in an abandoned fridge.’
Meanwhile retailers have been warned by police to report people purchasing small blackboards on which bank robberies can be planned, showing where cars should be parked, and a fake roadworks set up ‘These blackboards may often be bought by dapper looking men who’d never get their hands dirty wielding a gun or a length of lead piping. If one such buys a board or even chalk, we want to know.’
In addition, timepiece manufacturers have been urged to manufacture un-synchronisable watches to aid the fight against crime. There’s also been a call for squad cars to carry reinforced aircraft style brown bags for rookie officers to be sick in at the sight of their first savagely mutilated corpse of a naked local prostitute, known as Maureen although that wasn’t her real name, guv.