The Association of Climate Change Deniers and Affiliated Conspiracy Theorists have urged people to ‘stay nice’n toasty’ during the current heatwave: ‘Make sure you wear a jumper and carry a coat and scarf,’ it said in a statement. ‘You may have heard that there is a heatwave caused by climate change. But there is no such thing as climate change and therefore there is no heatwave. And we all know how wet and cold an English summer is.’
The Association did agree with some of the more standard advice telling people to also wear a hat and drink plenty. However it added that everybody should cover their hat in tin foil: ‘…so they cannot control our thoughts’. Also that instead of drinking water, because of the chemicals ‘they’ put in it to stop us thinking and help control us, that people should only drink bottles or cans of highly nutritious, sugary fizzy drinks.
It said people should not put the empty bottles or cans in their recycling but instead throw them directly into the sea or dump in local woodland, nature reserves or areas of outstanding beauty so the Establishment cannot go through your rubbish to harvest your DNA.
At the same time, the Association issues new advice for holiday makers seeking a sunny holiday: ‘Don’t travel to the other side of the world, because the world is flat and you’ll fall off into the cold depths of space.’