Britain’s only wardrobe inspector has announced that he is hanging up his tapping gloves after the ‘umpteenth’ beating from a jealous husband left him with several fractured ribs and serious facial injuries.
Police discovered self-styled ‘Internal Wardrobe Examination Consultant’ Barry Asquith, 47, after being called to an address in Surbiton, Kingston upon Thames, following reports of a domestic disturbance. ‘I was in the middle of a complex inspection when I was suddenly dragged out of my client’s wardrobe by her irate husband,’ Asquith told reporters from his hospital bed. ‘He was shouting something about me being up to no good and then wallop, he clobbered me – totally unprovoked! Okay so it was a very hot day and I was in my underpants but that’s hardly an excuse to hit a man is it?’
Former milkman Asquith admits that his career choice has been a deceptively dangerous one – this being his ninth visit to A&E this year. ‘I’m forever being battered by misunderstanding fellahs, it comes with the territory I suppose. Once someone finds you supposedly hiding in their wardrobe, no amount of frantic tapping and listening out for woodworm is going to save you from a broken nose, especially if their wife has decided to have a quick lie down in a flimsy nightie while you’re at it.’
Asquith has issued a call for a greater understanding of people in his line of work: ‘Nowadays it’s hard enough to make ends meet spending half your life in some woman’s wardrobe without spending the other half in plaster. I’ve even had to take a second job as window sill tester – in fact I offer a two-for-one deal where I hang off your window sill shortly after bolting out of your wardrobe – just to pay child maintenance costs.’
Ever the entrepreneur, Asquith has vowed to seek other, less painful and open to misinterpretation, avenues of employment. ‘So far I’ve tried my hand at being a window cleaner, driving instructor and for a brief period the managing director of the International Monetary Fund, and at every turn I’ve found myself pursued by angry spouses. Well enough is enough: it’s time to look for a gentler vocation – maybe something in reflexology. I am so relieved that my life will no longer keep turning into some sort of cheap farce,’ said Asquith, at which point his trousers fell down and the vicar arrived.
jp1885 (punchline from Ludicity)