Government health bigwigs have revised their alcohol consumption guidelines to help people deal with the Orwellian grimness of everyday life in the UK.
The move comes after the recent interest rate rise which NHS mental health experts feel may well be the final straw for the long-suffering, just about managing Brit – who is already having to cope with long-term comedic political leadership, no prospect of retiring before the age of 87, and a stupidly hot summer.
The current guidelines of a maximum ‘half-pint of mild per week or you’re a selfish twat who drains the NHS and will die horribly’ are being scrapped.
Chief Medical Officer Hugh Janus explains: ‘We’ve changed it to basically the average person should drink a minimum of 90 units a week, although you still won’t be able to buy a happy juice before 10am as that would just be silly.’
Local GPs are understood to be delighted with the revised guidelines. Dr Martin Whitelace commented: ‘Thank goodness. I’ve been stressed out lecturing patients about their drinking when I have a bottle of confidence tucked in my sock.’