The world has finally come to grips with the true cause of the military stand-off in the Korean peninsula that could yet cause a nuclear Armageddon. Sadly, it is no coincidence that all this is erupting precisely when the Great British Bake Off completed its controversial move to Channel 4, something bitterly opposed by Kim Jong-in, who is rumoured to have enjoyed the odd piece of cake in his time.
Pyongyang is continuing to threaten its neighbours in an attempt to overthrow what it is believed to regard as the universal symbol of Western decadence – Sandi Toksvig’s cheeky smile. Launching a missile over Japan is the latest military manoeuvre to destabilise Victoria sponges in that area.
North Korea has long supported the brutal, totalitarian regime of Mary Berry, accompanied by Mel & Sue, who are respectively seen as her repressive military arm and her soggy bottom. The pair themselves have shown no qualms using weapons of mass euphemism on their own people, often beating a double entendre to death in a slow, brutal torture that is deliberately spun out over several minutes.
A North Korean spokeswoman said between mouthfuls of state-sanctioned cake: ‘In response to the US weaponising Channel 4 and disrespecting BBC-Un, we will be hurling rock cakes into Guam’. Reports suggest that the North Korean ‘Yellowcake’ research may only involve delicious buttercream frosting, but Pyongyang has retorted that none of the contestants on Bake Off would have any chance of making a plausible replica of Donald Trump’s hair out of caramel.
The UN urged both sides get around the coffee table and agree some compromise cakes – or at very least, a biscuit – but refused to sanction the use of Noel Fielding’s surreal brand of humour. Said one diplomat: ‘If anyone is going to unleash a dirty ‘bombe’ around here, it will be Paul Hollywood, and usually onto the chest of an intern.’
Viewers in South Korea will have their own programmes, at least for a day or two.