Prime Minister Theresa May has snapped up all the gaps between the triangles of chocolate in Toblerones, it has been revealed today. The news comes just weeks after manufacturer Mondelez International announced that it was reducing the distance between chunks of the distinctively shaped white confectionary and was reverting to its original shape.
‘Whilst there are already clearly loads of holes in the government’s Brexit strategy, in recent weeks, the Prime Minister has become increasingly concerned about the further gaps that keep appearing’, admitted on government insider. ‘By buying in a fire sale from Toblerone now, we can effectively future-proof ourselves against the additional holes that are inevitably going to be blown into our proposals over the next 8 months.’
The government is now looking for other chocolate-related partnerships to help it navigate tricky Brexit negotiations. Dominic Raab is thought to be brokering a sponsorship deal with Double Decker, describing the pillowly nougat and chocolate combination as an ‘ideal metaphor for the sort of soft border we are looking for in Ireland’. The Department for Exiting the EU is already thought to have stockpiled millions of bars of Fudge ahead of next March’s deal deadline.
Key Cabinet figures have also been given new nicknames by the PM. Gavin Williamson will be known as the Wispa, ‘promising much but ultimately full of air’, whilst Liam Fox is described by May as a Flake, ‘crumbly and in bits all over the floor after I’ve finished with him.’. Meanwhile, Jacob Rees Mogg is a total twat, the PM announced, before confirming that there was no chocolate bar going by this name.
Meanwhile it has been confirmed that the Snickers bar will now be used as the official chocolate bar of the Tories, with its odd mixture of ingredients, some highly unpalatable, with plenty of nuts.