News has emerged from The Vatican this evening leaving Catholic commentators stunned, as in a surprise move His Holiness Pope Francis has announced the immediate beatification of Elvis, John F Kennedy and John Wayne, confirming in a Papal Bull they will be subsequently canonised at a ceremony this December in St Peter’s Basilica.
The move is being interpreted as a sop to placate Irish Catholics, in an attempt to boost the church’s dwindling numbers as Mass attendance thought the country has been plummeting in recent years.
Siobhan Hennessy from Galway said: ‘Holy Mother of God, but sure this is great news altogether now. We have had a shrine to them all in our house since we were children, and after the Mammy and Daddy passed away, God rest their souls, me and my husband Sean have kept the tradition going for our fifteen kids. Every Saturday night at six, after watching our DVD of The Quiet Man, we play Elvis’s American Trilogy watch JFK’s Berlin speech and then say prayers and place little gifts at the shrine.’
But the news is not playing well in other parts of Ireland with The DUP slamming the move. ‘I object to this in the strongest possible terms, says Leader Arlene Foster. ‘Elvis and John Wayne should not become the property of Catholics as Ulster Protestants enjoy Elvis’s music and we love John Wayne’s cowboy movies too, so we do.’
‘We don’t want our enjoyment of these icons tainted by any papish associations. However as Kennedy was a philandering gobshite, then as far as God-fearing protestants are concerned them Catholics are welcome to keep the two-timing hoor master bastard for themselves.’