House prices in areas with the best drug dealers have risen sharply as middle class parents compete for crack cocaine rated as ‘outstanding’ by the official ratings body, Oftits. Estate agents are seeing buyers willing to pay a premium to get their kids some quality Charlie, with less well-off parents effectively priced out of the cheap shit market. According to the Royal Institute of Chartered Estate Agents, house prices within the hood of a popular dealer can be as much as 20% higher than in cribs where your fam is vexed by the feds. A spokesman said: ‘It may seem selfish to move into a community where you have no intention of staying, just to get hold of some good shit, but wouldn’t you do the same for your own children?’
Illicit drug use has long been associated with poverty, alienation, and gang culture. Now experts are warning the situation is being made much worse by unfair stamp duty, variable interest rates, legal fees, and lack of on-street parking. According to the Metropolitan Police Vice Squad, some middle class parents have become so desperate they have even resorted to shopping at Asda. The supermarket has been severely criticised by social campaigners for placing anti-middle class spikes on pavements. With drug dealers offering crèche facilities and Fair Trade crystal meth, it looks like the problem, and house prices, are set to increase further.