DIY operations could be answer to NHS staff shortages

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Plans to allow patients to conduct their own operations in flat pack hospitals could be the answer to the current problems within the NHS, according to a leaked document. The paper praises the suggestion by junior health minister Stephen Barclay that doctors could qualify in four years as opposed to the current five after Brexit, but says it does not go far enough. ‘If four years is better than five then why isn’t three better than four?  Why not reduce the training period to nil and allow the patients to operate on themselves?’ the document asks.

Barclay’s earlier claim that hospital construction could be speeded up by the use of flat pack buildings, however, meets general approval, according to the report. ‘Such buildings could be erected by community groups funded by local people and the National Lottery without waiting for money to be handed out by central government. In order to face the modern world Britain needs to cut its costs drastically. The “Gosport” option of simply allowing the hierarchy to slaughter the patients is no longer acceptable. Our plan has the advantage of involving the patients in their own care. We look forward to a future in which every village green and inner city park could have it’s own prefab hospital where patients would be able to rent a room and a set of instruments to operate on themselves’.

The paper admits that for patients requiring anaesthetic rendering them unconscious that there might be a need to travel abroad. Setting up reciprocal arrangements with European nations as part of the Brexit deal is suggested.

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Posted: Aug 8th, 2018 by

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