Following the signing of former Top Gear presenters Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May, online retail and media giant Amazon have announced plans to ‘physically stream’ the maverick trio into viewers’ homes via Prime Air drones.
‘Our Amazon Prime Air service is a high-end, high-profile delivery platform befitting a high-end, high-profile presenting team,’ revealed Jay Marine, vice-president of Amazon Prime Video EU. ‘What better way to send this exciting new content to consumers? From the very moment we met them, the first thing we thought of was ‘drones’.’
The new initiative follows an unsuccessful trial to distribute the controversial TV hosts by a conventional courier service. ‘I was doing the washing up when I heard a knock at the door,’ said one customer. ‘I looked out of the window to see a Parcelforce guy hurriedly dragging a bemused James May back up the drive and into his van. I later discovered a note in my porch: ‘we tried to be contemptuously smug about your Vauxhall Zafira, but you were out’ it read.’ Another consumer made the headlines in the local press after returning from a fortnight’s holiday to find the slightly decomposed body of the Stig wedged between his recycling bins.
‘We intend to have full intercontinental capability in time for the guys’ first season in 2016,’ said Marine, ‘meaning that customers worldwide, with the exception of Argentina and maybe Mexico, will be able to enjoy their antics. We’re committed to making ground-breaking television: Ripper Street, Vikings and now Top Gear. And if Clarkson and co. go down well, we’re set to continue in that mould by recommissioning comedy classic Mind Your Language.’
While shareholders have reacted favourably to the news, others have expressed reservations. ‘Have they any idea how difficult it is to be blokey yet edgy at a height of 400 feet?’ asked former Top Gear producer Gary Broadhurst. ‘And Jeremy – I love him to bits, but he’s a big guy. We saw a lot of machines in our show, but none powerful enough to get him off the ground. Amazon will have to invest in some serious technology – at the very least some kind of jet pack.’
However those close to the trio are confident that they will rise to the occasion. ‘After what he’s been through, being dropped from a delivery drone will be a walk in the park for Richard,’ wrote one friend. ‘200 feet, 400 feet, a thousand feet – who cares? So long as he’s within transmitter range when it’s time to blow that caravan into smithereens he’ll be a happy bunny.’