Theresa May’s recent announcement that Brexit negotiations will go to extra time, with the UK abiding by EU regulations until 2020, has raised the spectre that once again things may be settled on penalties.
Government insiders have confirmed that, whatever brave face she puts on in public, May is extremely worried by the prospect. “After all, the pressure of a penalty shoot-out turns the most cool-headed professionals into bumbling imbeciles. And we’ve got Boris and Michael Gove, who are bumbling imbeciles to start with.”
Gove, on the other hand, welcomed the idea, saying Britain was certain to win and dismissing the experts who say we should probably have someone in goal.
Boris meanwhile insisted Britain should be making its own rules for football, preferably involving picking the ball up and carrying it, whilst still playing in international competitions against countries following the old rules.
“In fact, let’s do the same for all competitive sport. Imagine how often we’d win marathons if our athletes were allowed to drive!.