In an effort to cut government expenditure, the public will be allowed to catch and eat minor members of the Royal Family from today, it has been announced. There are reports that two of them are already “missing, presumed barbecued”. A Treasury spokesman has expressed the hope that eating some of the less pleasant Windsors “might rehabilitate the reputation of cannibalism, so unjustly maligned by the likes of Jeffrey Dahmer”.
Veteran environmentalist David Attenborough says culling the Royals would make for a “more balanced ecosystem”. In the absence of potential Windsor-eating predators in England, he says, the only option is for conscientious citizens to eat them, “preferably with a side dish of fries”.
Concerned Royalists have been assured that the new rule only applies to distant relatives of the Queen who don’t host glamorous weddings, although a government spokesman has warned “Prince Harry might want to watch his back if he doesn’t ditch his American moll”. If the Royal finances continue to decline, the public may be able to purchase “Meghanburgers” at selected fast food outlets, a source close to Buckingham Palace has said.
Jamie Oliver has welcomed the move, noting that the Duchess of York’s thighs would make nourishing school meals. However, the public have been warned not to touch Prince George, and that eating Prince Philip would be a “major gastronomical gaffe”.
Prince and Princess Michael of Kent have been declared edible as from today, although people with dietary restrictions have been warned that the Princess is “not kosher”.