The Government has unveiled an ambitious plan to eradicate the homeless from England’s streets by carpeting all pavemented public areas.
“It’s quite a brilliant plan” enthused Housing Secretary James Brokenshire. “Our vision is that we can pay lip service to this social problem and sweep the homeless under the carpet – just like the old saying – simples!”
The plan will also include carpets for areas such as car parks, shop doorways, and those smelly little alleyways people urinate in after an evening out in the pub.
It’s estimated the total bill will be in the region of £100m, although after management consultancy costs around £57,000 will be available for actual carpeting – enough for around 16,000 square miles of the stuff that gets chucked into brand new Bovis homes.
Mr Brokenshire indicated that this was just the start of a major offensive in tackling the scourge of homelessness.
He explained: “Of course the sweeping the homeless under the carpet initiative is just a temporary measure – the cabinet is actively pursuing a Final Solution… woah bollocks… err… I mean more long term solution…”