In response to demands from a concerned public, the Cabinet is taking action to restrict hen party penises to a length of four feet and a girth of 14 inches. “When the trend started a few years ago”, explains a government spokesman, “hen party dicks were only a few inches long and used as straws to suck vodka by women in miniskirts too drunk to lift the glass to their lips. Now it’s got to the stage where they’re in danger of catching in overhead cables”.
However, traditionalists have protested that Saturday nights in holiday towns will not be the same without the sight of gigantic pink pink genitals being borne aloft by hooting women in six-inch heels and “Sharon’s Hen” T-shirts. Boris Johnson says it’s as reassuringly English as warm beer and Vaughan Williams music, while Jacob Rees-Mogg believes the destruction of this tradition may be the “revenge from beyond the grave” of the EU.
Meanwhile, Ian Arlington of the Penis-Makers’ Union predicts “thousands of layoffs” due to this legislation, although when pressed he admitted that their job only consists of blowing them up after they’ve been shipped in from China.