Boris to direct next Bond movie; ‘Leave and Let Die’

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Following the decision by Danny Boyle to quit the bond franchise, stating ‘artistic differences’, which is director speak for ‘there’s no script and the producers are making it up as they go,’ Eon productions has appointed former Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson as the replacement director for Daniel Craig’s last Bond movie.

Provisionally titled ‘Leave and Let Die’, the movie is centred on a newly empowered UK British Secret Service post Brexit, unencumbered by the myriad EU agencies bothering it with ‘intel’, ‘farm subsidies’ and ‘international support’. ‘Who needs international support?’ blustered Boris at a news conference today, before being offered the role.

‘Bond doesn’t need to be waved through foreign borders, eh, what?’ said a jubilant Boris today holding a scrap of paper that purported to be the script for the new movie, containing the three sentences – ‘Start’, ‘do something, anything’, and ‘end credits’. ‘Sorry,’ said a flustered Boris, ‘that’s the Brexit plan, I’m sure I’ve got something written down somewhere,’ he said, turning his trouser pockets out before offering to show the world’s press his impression of an elephant.

Eon issued a statement today praising the ability of Boris to ‘bluster his way through complex international negotiations while not having a f$cking clue what he is doing. That and his zip wire trick, which we dearly hope he can teach Daniel to perform in the next movie.’

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Posted: Aug 24th, 2018 by

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