Early unconfirmed reports suggest that Mary Poppins, a former nanny, with a sunny, yet stern disposition, has already taken back control of what is widely considered to be the worst prison in the UK.
Inmate Peter Cooper, of the prison’s B Wing said “I was in the middle of stabbing this bloke, when this posh sort in a dress and a hat came floating down out of nowhere, under an umbrella. Of course, at the time, I was off my tiny mind on Spice…
“However, it soon became clear that this lady was special, and before too long, she’d got me and the boys tidying up the place. Now, there are no more smashed windows and we’ve given the place a good scrub, so no more blood or vomit. And the cockroaches and vermin live in harmony with the rest of us in an inclusive and tolerant prison community.
“And then there is the perfectly choreographed song and dance routines that spontaneously occur throughout the day.
“I am also proud to say, on behalf of the lads, that we are now 100% drug free, apart from any prescribed medication of course, which is always taken with a spoon full of the white stuff.”