Tories confirm Aaron Banks ‘not dead enough’ to join party

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New figures suggest that Conservative membership has plummeted in recent months, meaning that contributions from deceased members are double that of the living – just like in the House of Lords. This has resulted in the Leave.EU co-founder being technically too alive to join and too soulless not to.

This Catch-22 means that Mr. Bank’s pulse is a disqualifying quality, but his bank balance is still incredibly attractive. Naturally, the preferred Tory member has been deceased for several years, but still is in receipt of a million pound trust fund – rather like Jacob Rees Mogg.

The Tory Party insisted that they were still recruiting, but their focus had shifted to mortuaries, graveyards and the cast of the Archers. Ultimately it means that Mr. Banks – an amoral, narcissistic, sociopath, only motivated by greed and disorder – is politically homeless; at least until Tony Blair founds a new party.

A Conservative spokesperson insisted that Mr. Banks membership would have brought the party into ‘disrepute’ – which given the antics of Boris Johnson, would take some doing: ‘If Mr. Banks ceased to live, we would welcome him with open arms. And I hear that the 48% of Remain voters would happily help him in achieving his goal.’

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Posted: Aug 24th, 2018 by

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