Odeon cinemas have announced a multi-million pound upgrade to bring movie goers the very best in bag rustling, chewing, coughing and chatting. Special microphones embedded in seats will pick up the sound of munched popcorn and slurped drinks and re-transmit them via a Rolls Royce jet engine.
A spokesperson for Odeon cinemas explained ‘The full cinema experience isn’t just about what’s happening on the screen, it’s about what annoying sociopaths do in the seats behind you. That’s why we’re introducing self-kicking seats. During quiet periods our customers can press a button and make their seat repeatedly kick itself. It will also emit a loud cough during important bits of dialogue.’
In another exciting development, Odeon is promising a ‘halitosis and body odour experience’ in 3D – so real you can almost reach out and touch it. Special vents placed on headrest will make it feel like someone is breathing on the back of your head. Customers can choose between popcorn, cigarette, and gum disease flavours.
Odeon has assured customers the technology is reliable, but if a seat malfunctions during a film it will be quickly attended to by basketball players in top hats.
The good news doesn’t stop there. Film lovers can look forward to cheaper tickets too. Until now, cinema tickets have been made from the stamen of a rare orchid which flowers once every thirty five years on the foothills of the Himalayas. From September they will be printed on paper