Even reading one research study a day is enough to cause mental impairment, according to a report in this week’s Brewing News.
“We analysed a representative sample of epidemiologists, statisticians and health policy specialists and found they were all bell-ends”, said a spokesman.
“It’s the largest survey of its kind, using data from over thirty countries. We compared the people who read as little as one research paper a day with abstainers, and found that the abstainers had more sex (with other people), told better jokes, had, on average, 60% more friends and could hold their beer better. To counterbalance this, their livers were pretty f*cked and they didn’t live as long”.
A Government spokesman said he wasn’t really surprised.