A well known childcare facility has been placed in Special Measures today it was announced. Nursery Rhymes, long recognised as a market leading provider of early years education, was the subject of an unannounced Ofsted visit, where inspectors immediately noticed a breach of health and safety regulations with Polly putting the kettle on, and Sukey was taking it off again. This went on repeatedly. Both children were unsupervised at the time.
During their visit inspectors also found that another two children had wandered off site and met with a near death experience during an ill advised attempt to climb a hill. The two youngsters, named locally as Jack and Jill were eventually rushed to hospital with wounds considerably infected by copious applications of vinegar and brown paper.
Lack of a healthy, balanced diets was another prevalent concern raised by inspectors. One child, Peter Pumpkin, ate nothing but pumpkins all day long; little Jack Horner, subsisted on a diet of plums from Christmas pies, no matter what time of the year; and poor, little Tommy Tucker was made to sing for his supper, in a shocking case of emotional abuse.
One young girl, Mary, had her own little lamb that she brought to class one day. But slaughtering the animal, during cookery lessons, has meant that the children are now suffering with post traumatic stress. Another child, Tom Tom, the Pipers son, was thought to have been involved with the Police after stealing a pig. “That’s no way to teach children how to deal with the current bacon shortage”, complained Chief Inspector, Margaret Fallows.
In its report, Ofsted noted its outrage at the lack of educational attainment at Nursery Rhymes, with targets conducive with Early Years Foundation Stage being sorely missed. One little boy was insultingly referred to as Simple Simon. ‘Ironically, he was a bit of a leader which was unfortunate,’ explained Mrs Fallows. ‘Despite his self-confessed stupidity, whenever he said “Put your hands on your head”, all the children did.’