Former SNP leader Alex Salmond has for some unfathomable reason succeeded in getting people to pay for his groping-scandal legal fees. In a move widely affirmed as proper classy, the can’t-be-short-of-a-bob-or-two politician has managed to get the crowdfunding platform – a service which was originally set up with the intention of helping good causes such as the financing of probably innocent rotund Scottish nationalists – to fund him.
Indeed, with Salmond’s modest target of £50,000 already passed, analysts believe that Scotland’s shortbread industry is surely due for a much-needed shot-in-the-arm, while a four-figure number of satirists have already declared their intention not to bother any more. Influential fellow politician and Salmond supporter Hamish Souness has thrown his weight behind Salmond’s campaign and called on others to keep giving, while urging the retired politician not to throw his own weight behind anything, except maybe a car in need of a bump-start.
‘I realise times are hard and serious illnesses like cancer take up much of the public goodwill, but please be aware that Alex faces bankruptcy unless he can see off those lying whores in court with your much-needed donations,’ he said. ‘Following the Tory cuts to legal aid, and with Alex’s contract on Russia Today barely covering his rent, there’s a very real risk that he won’t be able to secure his customary front row seats at Wimbledon next year in time for ‘the joke’ to be recycled. Also, with the extra funds and a word in the right ear, I can safely say that proposed new lap dancing bar on Princes Street is looking like a definite goer, eh lads?’
Salmond added: ‘I’d like thank each and every one of you who, in a spirit reminiscent of Live Aid, has pledged as little as five pounds to the cause. Although a tenner would be better still, obviously. Whoever said that Scotland was a nation of tight arses was clearly talking out of theirs. You all deserve a great big pat on the back from me. No lower mind you, I’m not going to get caught doing that again.’