Since the dawn of time, women have struggled to understand why men are incapable of seeing colours like desert breeze, peach dream or camomile snow. They have long suspected men are being deliberately obstructive or just plain stupid. But ground breaking research shows beyond doubt that men’s brains are wired to see only one kind of white. The scientific term for the white that men can see is known as ‘white’, while the medical term for the condition they suffer from is ‘off-white deficiency syndrome.’
Terry Williams, a 38-year-old accountant, who was shopping for paint with his wife at B&Q in Kidderminster, said: ‘When I look at duck-whisper paint, all I see is white. It’s such a relief to know I have a serious brain disorder and it’s not my fault. So now, when my wife asks if I’d prefer a blizzard-white or an autumn spray, I can simply say ‘who gives a fuck?’ without being attacked with a bread knife.’
His wife Carole agreed, adding: ‘I’ve been divorced six times because of arguments about shades of paint and fabric. When I ask him to buy something in beige, he always comes back with something in hessian, which isn’t quite the same. I go ballistic and throw plates at him. Men just don’t understand how important it is. A mint cloud is totally, utterly, and absolutely different to a mint cream, as every woman knows.’
Scientists were first alerted to a possible link between testosterone and poor interior design skills by studying the prehistoric cave paintings of Lascaux. The paintings depict hunters chasing bison and woolly mammoths. The successful hunters are painted in beige with lemon-yellow arrows and puce spears, whereas unsuccessful hunters are depicted in warm terracotta, being clubbed to death and dismembered. It is now thought the paintings were done by cavewomen as a ritual warning to their menfolk to make sure that their hunts were properly colour-coordinated.