The editor of the Daily Mail Geordie Greig has spontaneously combusted following reports that thousands of foreign rainclouds could be heading for the UK. Suspicions of a swamping were raised by the newspaper when BBC weather reporter Carol Kirkwood mentioned France and Ireland by name. Ofcom rules stipulate that all forecasters must stop talking about clouds as soon as they leave British airspace. The Mail fears the left-wing BBC is trying to ‘soften up’ the British public to accept more clouds from overseas.
Mentioning a European country by name during a weather forecast is illegal in the UK. If found guilty, Kirkwood faces up to ten years in jail and fifty lashes. According to doctors at the Chelsea & Westminster Hospital, Greig is currently in a critical condition, though in reality he is always in a critical condition. If he fails to pull through, Kirkwood may face additional manslaughter charges.
Firefighters in London have admitted that the situation has been made even more difficult by the identity of the victim. ‘As highly qualified professionals, we are obliged to attend to every incident, regardless of who is involved,’ said Paul Embery, executive member of the Fire Brigades Union for London. ‘However, when the lads from Southwark station realised that it was the editor of the Daily Mail who was on fire … well let’s just say it’s as well they had enough water in the truck, because they most definitely wouldn’t have pissed on him.’
Andrew Pierce, the outraged deputy editor of the Mail, said: ‘It’s a disgrace. This foreign weather comes over here, raining on our jobs and houses, tanning our women – it’s meteorological correctness gone mad. We say, enough’s enough. It’s time to take back control of our weather.’
The incident comes at a difficult time for the BBC. Hard line Brexiters have long accused the corporation of pro-EU bias because its forecasts include unnecessary images of France and Belgium. They have called for a new, robust, post-Brexit weather map that replaces Europe with China, while Jacob-Rees Mogg has demanded that future forecasts should be delivered in Greek with Latin sub-titles.