The Food Standards Agency has reported that the vast majority of political offal has trace elements of Boris Johnson. He is reportedly the most common Brexit contaminate alongside codswallop and sour lemons. Despite labelling to the contrary, most potential trade agreements also contain 1% Boris, which is equivalent to 100% bullshit. FSA scientists are unsure at what point of negotiations Johnson was added to the mix, as he is incapable of keeping his opinions and genitals to himself.
Any Brexit generated now is likely to have a startling resemblance to him, they warned, potentially including 50% horny goat, 50% confused livestock and 50% mathematical genius. An FSA spokeswoman said: ‘Unsanitary and unwholesome, Boris perpetually sticks his oar, and his Johnson, where it’s not welcome. If members of the public come across a large, festering sack of sheep’s testicles, they are advised not to vote for him.’