Unused condom frustrated after five years in wallet


Peter Cooper, an unused condom that has kept in the wallet of Lee Morris, 36, since being bought from a pub vending machine in Potters Bar in November 2013 has complained about the lack of action. ‘Even the most pessimistic prophylactic would’ve expected to be rolled out, so to speak, by now. It’s got to the point where I just don’t expect to be used. And if that’s the case I wish he’d just give me a way to a horny teenager, or nymphomaniac tramp, so I could out with a bang.’

Cooper has denied online accusations that he is overly sensitive, saying that he is, in fact ‘extra sensitive for extended pleasure’. Asked why Morris has yet to ‘tear the foil’, Cooper said: ‘Do you know what Lee does for a job? He’s a fireman. Seriously – he’s a bloody fireman. Now, if there are three words in the English language that will get a bloke laid, it’s “I’m a fireman”. But not for our Lee.’

Cooper, who has observed him from next to his cashpoint card for nearly five years, added that plenty of women seem to be attracted to Morris. ‘Tissues start as soon as opens his mouth. The only things he talks about are DIY, house prices, the inner workings of a mobile phone and strip grazing until they get bored and make their excuses.’

‘One pretended to go into labour and insisted on driving herself to the maternity ward, another told him she was a criminal out of licence and had to get back before curfew. Alone. Another one actually came back to his place, she was even in his bedroom, but then he blew it by starting to talk about Brexit, so she told him that not only had she’s got an allergy to latex but that she was pretty sure she’d got super-AIDS, worse than the normal one, and that they’d probably best not.’

With a resigned shrug, Cooper said: ‘I’m getting on now, it’s been too long, and I can’t guarantee I wouldn’t split. And deep down, I have accepted that I am probably stuck with him. On the bright side, however, I’ve made the little pocket in his wallet really nice and it’d be a shame to leave. Which is fine, there are worst places to be I guess, and it’s not like I have an expiry date or anything, is it?’


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Posted: Sep 7th, 2018 by

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