Sources close to Boris Johnson’s pants say they may be loaded with horribly explosive material and the contents could easily blow up in his or others’ faces.
‘The idea of Jacob Rees Mogg or even Liam Fox reaching remotely into these pants beggars belief,’ said one Conservative minister who didn’t want to be. ‘But these are the kind of politics we’re living through. An explosion inside the pants could spread poison that makes the Salisbury incident like a walk in the park. This won’t be the first time Boris has exceeded his briefs, but this time the results could be unthinkable, which is why I am having to think them as a minister of the Crown.’
It’s understood that MI5 has ordered a sweep of all ministerial pants to make sure they have not been secretly booby trapped, with Andrea Leadsom forcing her way to the front of the inspection queue ‘in the name of patriotism and loyalty.’
Meanwhile Johnson supporters have pooh-poohed the pants issue. Dominic Raab told reporters ‘A lot of discussion has been going on regarding the contents of Boris’s pants. I’d say what he does with the contents of those pants is his affair. Or affairs.’