At the prestigious awards ceremony held in Moscow, Novichok expressed its joy and pride at being awarded ‘nerve agent of the year’ for 2018.
‘I’m blown away, I really am,’ gushed Novichok. ‘The competition was so strong this year. Assad’s guys in Syria have really raised the bar, and the North Koreans are always consistent performers, so I never took the award for granted. It felt good to bring it home to Russia. The award that is, not the actual nerve agent.’
In the winning speech Novichok was keen to point out how the award was a team effort. ‘I couldn’t have done this by myself,’ said the A-232 nerve agent variant. ‘Obviously I need to thank my team at the lab in Moscow who have worked tirelessly to make me the deadly compound I am today, and the two unnamed dudes who released me on the people of Salisbury in the UK. Most of all I need to thank Mr Putin for giving me this opportunity. This one’s for you Vlad!’
Sources claim Novichok is already working hard to improve its performance for next year as rumours that Polonium is planning to come out of retirement for 2019 were doing the rounds.