Through a diet of Peter Mandelson and regular exercise – running from his socialist principles – Labour’s deputy leader has revealed he is clear of all leftist tendencies. A slim-line Mr. Watson told reporters never again would he succumb to starchy trade unions or refined nationalization
Mr. Watson had previously been diagnosed as a type-2 socialist – which is someone who has technically met a working class person, but has not yet been introduced. Fortunately due to quick intervention by Blairite surgeons, Tom was able to shed 44.5kg – all of it in manifesto promises.
His strict neo-liberal diet means he has to steer clear of worker’s rights and state funding, but can snack on the occasional illegal war. Socialism is an entirely preventable and reversible condition, just ask every Labour leader for the last 30 years.
Mr. Watson made his life changes after reading biographies of politicians who tragically remained left-wing, even in their 50s. Subsequently Mr. Watson has vowed to launch a crusade against socialism – one Big Mcdonnell at a time.