Top Ten Tube chat-ups


It has long been thought that people who strike up conversations with strangers on the tube are either mad, lonely, or a drunken apparition.  Sometimes they’re all three.  But extensive research undertaken for eHarmony, a leading UK dating site, claims to have identified ten opening questions or observations that guarantee a romantic chinwag with a hot commuter of your dreams.  Now even the shyest of lonely hearts can stop looking down at their shoes, or pretend to sleep between stations, and let cupid’s arrow fly.

eHarmony’s top ten opening gambits for the Tube

1. Hello
2. All ready for Christmas? [only use this one from late September]
3. This upholstery has seen better days, don’t you think? Smells of stale urine.
4. Jesus H Christ, would you look up there! It’s two for one at Specsavers!
5. Hi, I’m about to have a nap. Could you wake me up if I dribble?
6. Brexit, eh? Pff!
7. This weather, eh? Pff!
8. That book you’re pretending to read? Can I pretend to ask if it’s any good?
9. I’ve been admiring your shoes for thirteen stops.
10. Do you come here often?

Remember, it’s safety first! In an emergency eHarmony recommend you terminate romantic chit-chat with ‘Have you heard the good news about Jesus our Lord and savior?’  It never fails.

The marketing of eHarmony’s top ten openers comes in direct response to a campaign to stop chit-chat on the Tube with special badges.  Badges bearing the words ‘Shut up’ and ‘Look at me again and I’ll kill you’ are being handed out at tube stations by the Shut Your Tube campaign group.  A badge indicates to other commuters that the wearer is likely to punch you if you try and strike up a conversation.  The badge pin also doubles up as a handy weapon.

A spokesperson for Shut Your Tube said ‘For most of us, the morning commute is our only opportunity to stare at other people’s feet.  Its thirty minutes of autistic bliss.  I don’t want some selfish git invading my personal space with their stupid human interaction. eHarmony can shut the f*** up.’

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Posted: Sep 14th, 2018 by

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