Government to make it easier for giant pandas to adopt

Yuang Guan Yuang Guan Yuang Guan Yuang Guan Yuang Guan TIAN Tiaaaaaaaaan

The Government has announced plans to speed up the adoption process to enable cubless giant pandas to adopt more easily. Prime Minister David Cameron vowed to tackle the ‘absurd barriers to mixed-species adoption’ that he claimed led to suffering and heartache for countless panda couples in Scotland. Launching his Adoption Action Plan he told reporters: ‘I find it staggering that no pandas managed to adopt children last year – local authorities must stop delaying adoptions in an attempt to find a perfect species match.’

The current restrictions have led to some pandas to look further afield for babies, with celebrity panda Madge Madge courting controversy last year when she flew to Africa to adopt a baby. The announcement is good news for Edinburgh panda couple Yang Guang and Tian Tian, who despite days of trying appear to have failed in their bid to become pregnant, but has met with criticism from religious groups who claim that forcing their adoption agencies to consider pandas as potential parents breaches their human rights. ‘There’s probably something in the Bible saying that pandas becoming parents to human children is a sin,’ said Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O’Connor. ‘We can find something, I’m sure. We can always find something to justify discriminating against someone if we look hard enough. Did they have pandas in the Bible?’

The pandas have rejected those arguments however, pointing out that they both lead extremely chaste lifestyles, hardly ever feeling lustful thoughts and having sex on average just once a year, if that. ‘That’s not quite the full picture,’ argued Cardinal Murphy-O’Connor though. ‘It’s well documented that Tian Tian is the mother of twins to another father, although the cubs were taken away from her at a young age and she now has no contact with them, and Yang Guang is also thought to have fathered another cub a few years ago. They’re not the sort of parents we would want to place a baby with.’

Yang Guang denies that he is the father of the cub, and is due to take a DNA test on The Jeremy Kyle show next month in an attempt to clear his name. ‘There’s no way that kid’s mine, innit,’ he protested. ‘I never even shagged ‘is mum, she were too pissed. ‘E dun’t even look like me or nuffing, ya get me.’

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Posted: Sep 16th, 2018 by

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