In an inspired piece of casting, the next super-villain to threaten Earth will be The Jacob, a time-travelling eccentric with plans to rear a super-race of Latin-speaking clones in top hats.
‘We’re working on his powers’, said a BBC executive. ‘Right now we’re coming up blank on that front, though he scores in other ways – he’s instantly recognisable, and is humanoid whilst obviously not 100% human. You could imagine him as an evil Timelord.
‘He plans to use his time-travel skills to breed a race of super-weird Latin-speaking mini-Jacobs. Because he isn’t limited by time, he can breed as many as he wants, so his family could be huge. That bit’s going really well so far.
‘He also has an evil plan to halt time, but only in Britain, so that time will run normally in the rest of the universe but Britain will be locked in a particular year – we’re thinking 1895. A forcefield at Dover will prevent time-space continuum problems, and also keep out cuisine and other seditious ideas.
‘The Doctor has to stop him, naturally, because if he succeeds it will be 1895 and she won’t be a doctor any more. She’s a woman, you see.
‘We want to see children hiding behind the sofa like they used to with the daleks’, he continued. ‘It’s BBC policy. We thought Strictly Come Dancing would do it, but we’re going to have to get even scarier’.