RT News interviews Alexander Petrov and Ruslan Boshirov, who are nice people
Margarita Simonyan: Good morning gentlemen
Alexander Petrov: Yes, we’re gentlemen, that is right. Good morning Margarita
Ruslan Boshirov: Yes, good morning. What would you like to talk about?
MS: I’d like to talk about your controversial visit to Salisbury
AP: I don’t know why you say it’s controversial. Perhaps you should reconsider that statement
RB: Salisbury is a cathedral city in Wiltshire, England, with a population of 40,302 at the confluence of the rivers Avon, Nadder, Ebble, Wylye and Bourne
MS: All very interesting, but I could have found that out from Wikipedia
AP: Perhaps. But what exactly are you trying to say, Deputy Editor?
RB: The city’s cathedral is famous for its 123m spire, and its clock, the oldest of its kind in the world that is still working
MS: Ahem, I’m Editor-in-Chief
RB: Salisbury is approximately 20 miles (32 km) from Southampton and 30 miles (48 km) from Bath.
MS: So, maybe you can explain to the decadent West why you were in Salisbury?
AP: That’s better. We had heard from good friends, might have been in a bar or club maybe – but definitely not a gay bar – that Salisbury is a fine place to visit. It has a cathedral, you know, that is famous for its 123m spire, and its clock …
RB: yes, an excellent clock. It’s a large iron-framed clock without a dial located in the aisle. It’s supposedly dating from about 1386, and is said to be the oldest working clock in the world, although a similar statement is made of the clock in the cathedral of Beauvais in France and said to date from 1305
MS: Er, thank you, Mr Boshirov. So, to clarify your story for the capitalists, please could you talk us through your visit to Salisbury
AP: Well, after getting instructions – er, advice – from our good friends, we flew Aeroflot to Heathrow, and stayed in East London because it’s on the way to Salisbury. Our friends advised that London has criminals as does Moscow, and they suggested a very safe house near Stratford.
MS: And then what ?
AP: On Saturday, we caught the train to Salisbury, had a quick walk around to plan our Sunday trip, then got on the train back to Stratford
Then, on Sunday, we tried to find the cathedral. Apparently, we walked in the wrong direction for nearly a mile – couldn’t find it anywhere! So, we turned around & immediately saw it right behind us. We felt so embarrassed, especially as we’d only left a few minutes to see the cathedral. It was very tall & pretty, you know. Lovely clock …
RB: yes, lovely clock, oldest working clock in the world, you know, although a similar statement is made of …
MS: Yes, Mr Boshirov, I think we’ve done that bit. So, you rushed back, and got on your flight back to Moscow ?
AP: Yes, that’s right. It was a lovely weekend, just the two of us, that pretty cathedral and the clock
MS: Did you know that Porton Down is only a few miles away from Salisbury?
AP: No, I’ve never heard of the secret biological weapons research laboratory. Was that nearby? Maybe the British should see if they did this awful murder. I mean attack
MS: Well, that all seems clear and simple enough for the corrupt West to understand. It’s nice to meet a couple of fine young Russians taking an interest in the world. Tell me, because the inept British security services will inevitably speculate about this, you two seem very fit young men. How do you manage to keep so muscular and lithe?
AP: I’m a postman. I do lots of walking, and occasional running away from dogs, haha. That’s a joke, by the way, you should laugh. After that, I spend my evenings in the gym with other fine young men. No, that one wasn’t a joke. That also explains our military-style haircuts – the postal service is very strict about appearance, unlike in the UK
MS: And you, Mr Boshirov, how do you keep so incredibly fit?
AP: Er, Mr Boshirov prefers not to answer. He has his own methods, I think. And he’s not very good at speaking Russian
MS: Well, I think that wraps it up. Thank you, gentlemen, and goodbye
AP: Thank you, and … have a safe journey home
RB: Goodbye. Yes, take extra care ’