Church of England to offer ‘open marriage’ ceremony

GAPYEONG-GUN, SOUTH KOREA - FEBRUARY 17:  Thousands of couples take part in a mass wedding ceremony at Cheongshim Peace World Center on February 17, 2013 in Gapyeong-gun, South Korea. 3,500 couples from 200 countries around the world exchanged wedding vows for the first time after the Unification Church founder Moon Sun-Myung passed away.  (Photo by Chung Sung-Jun/Getty Images)

The Church of England has announced plans to introduce an ‘open marriage’ option to its wedding ceremony repertoire, for couples who plan on immediately cheating. The move was inspired by the recent new-age trend of people entering marriage with no intention whatsoever of respecting their vows. ‘About bloody time too,’ declared Dave Archer from Chichester, ‘if the Church is finally taking open marriage seriously then so maybe my wife will too.’

Concern has been raised that the introduction of open marriage ceremonies undermines the very essence of the institution, making it increasingly easy for couples who sort of fancy having a do but are sketchy on real commitment long-term to buy nice dresses and drain their parents savings into an open bar for 300 aunts of someone’s sister’s mate the bride once thought about nearly meeting.

Equally, many men have voiced indignation at the plans, claiming that having to choose whether or not they plan on being creative within the parameters of fidelity. ‘I shouldn’t have to specify whether or not I’m going to cheat on my wife’, fumed Dave Bentley from Plymouth.

The move has sparked excitement, however, in the pornography community. Within the last week 18,061,245 films have been shot featuring characters in open marriages. According to a friend who told me, ‘It looks like normal porn except the viewer is supposed to imagine that the couples knobbing like antelopes are all in open marriages.’

Porn screen writers have voiced delight at the emergent niche. Dexter Hammerdong explained: ‘The sudden interest in open relationships is allowing me to really explore the question of monogamy, which of course all pornography touches on and, perhaps, I like to think, is expressive of the essence of the issue, but with open relationship pornography writing one can fully plumb the depths of it all.’

‘Is an open relationship really a relationship? Are we a monogamous animal or simply a filthy coprophagous beast? Is it possible to be truly faithful to one’s other half when the tinniest typo in a Google search thrusts you instantly half way down the deep dark rabbit hole of Saudi Arabian dungeon porn? Fucked if I know. And so is my wife. Five times in the last film.’

Tobias BV

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Posted: Sep 18th, 2018 by

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