Cameron ‘passed the port to the right’

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New revelations about David Cameron’s student days claim that he ‘wantonly’ passed port in ‘an anticlockwise direction’.

An unnamed source, now a High Court Judge, described an occasion when Cameron allegedly attempted to fill his glass, despite being on the wrong side. ‘Naturally, I enquired whether he knew the Bishop of Norwich – this being the most direct way a gentleman may point out such a faux pas – but Cameron persisted in topping me up. With port I mean, not the other thing’.

Cameron’s debauchery did not end with port etiquette. He experimented with ‘irregular’ cutlery usage, including one memorable occasion when he used a fish knife to butter a roll.

‘He obviously knew the correct form’, said a contemporary. ‘He just chose to ignore convention. His nickname was ‘Hardcore’, because of the depraved things he did. I saw him lick a spoon once, and a friend claimed to have heard him use the Cockney rhyming slang. Cameron was an animal’.

Despite these inauspicious beginnings Cameron eventually fought his way to the top of the Conservative Party, aided only by an Eton education and twenty five million pounds he found in a bank account.

The last word goes to Lady Penelope Ponsonby-Smythe, one of Cameron’s old flames. ‘It’s all very well people criticising him for his wild days, but when the chips are down, and we need somebody rough enough and tough enough to deal with a Putin or a Kim Jong Un, thank God we have a man who isn’t afraid to serve red wine with fish. That’s the sort of man Hardcore really is. God, I envy Samantha sometimes’.

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Posted: Sep 19th, 2018 by

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