The UKIP leader has vowed to take Earth out of the solar system unless the regulations governing asteroids and alien immigration are reformed.
“Ask David Cameron how many flying saucers visited Britain last year and he doesn’t know. That’s how much of a shambles our space immigration policy is in. The only way we can guarantee that we won’t be overrun with little green men is to tow the entire planet a few million miles out into space. I know what you’re thinking – why would we want to take France with us? Well, it’s basic physics – if we tried to cut France out we’d destabilise the Earth’s crust and risk massive volcanic eruptions. Plus France is a useful buffer between us and those bloody Germans.
“If it was possible just to tow Britain into space, believe me I’d go for it. The EU has actually approved a research grant to look into the proposal. Fastest thing I’ve ever seen them do. But it wouldn’t work. And anyway, the rest of the planet would be meaningless without Britain.”
Critics of the scheme point to the scarcity of evidence of alien threat and the obvious risks involved in transporting the planet far away from its primary source of heat and light, but Farage is having none of it. “The trouble with scientists is they’ve never run a company, so they don’t know how to solve real-world problems. I have run a company, and I drink beer, both of which make me infinitely more sensible than intellectuals, politicians and people who read the Guardian. The scientists are always bleating about ‘how much we can learn from other civilisations’ and ‘oh, look at their technology, isn’t it spiffing’. Well I don’t want to learn from alien civilisations and if it wasn’t invented here, I don’t bloody want it. Does that make me a Little Englander? I don’t think so. If I think about anything, which I mostly try not to. Immigrants out!’