With barely 10,000 refugees arriving at the Hungarian border in the last few days, many in the EU were starting to panic that we might run out of dispossessed masses, reasons to vote UKIP or emotive photographs of a child’s abandoned shoe. Fortunately the French government has sprung into action with air strikes in Syria, so as to force the remaining cowering citizens to emigrate using the nearest raft.
NATO members offered their support for the French bombing policy, which had already done such a remarkable job of bringing peace and stability to Iraq before it. In turn the British Prime Minister, David Cameron – who spent much of last year railing against Bashar al-Assad – has now endorsed him as a perfect ‘transitional President’ as Syria transitions from 2016 AD to 2016 BC. Sennacherib, King of the Assyrians from 705 to 681 BC, has reportedly put himself forward as a possible candidate, as soon as he finishes ploughing the land with salt and crushing 50 enemy fighters under his big toe.
A French official explained: ‘Food and blankets are all very well, but you also need to incentivise people to leave. Migrants are a dwindling natural resource, which needs to be cultivated. If Syrians start getting comfortable in Syria, how are they going to appreciate the benefits of living in a refugee camp, experiencing dysentery or being able to fit all their belongings into one bag for life?’
European Commission President Jean-Claude Juncker has proposed a pan-European frontier agency to compliment the French ‘pain de merde’ of a defence strategy. With more than 200,000 Syrians already dead and another four million having fled abroad, EU ministers have said the only way to reach their quota of 120,000 asylum seekers is to lure them with tickets for Dismaland, even though they may already be living in it.
Meanwhile, Lebanon, a Third World country the size of Cornwall which has been through a series of civil wars over the past 50 years and already has 1 million Syrian refugees living in it without anyone noticing, invited the whole of Europe to sit on its upturned middle finger and spin around a bit.