With interest rates rising and sphincter’s tightening, the UK’s wealth has decided to retreat to the nearest nesting box or Swiss bank account. Meanwhile, those currencies that can, have flown to sunnier climes like the Caymen Islands; to bask next to the wealth of Russian oligarchs and Jacob Rees Mogg’s collection of Victorian erotica.
Naturalists say the British fifty pound note is an increasingly rare sight, and will probably not be seen again, unless at Wimbledon or up Lord Sewel’s nose. For anyone who finds clusters of loose Euros snoozing in the folds of sofa, they are advised not to disturb them, for fear that they might be the only legal tender left.
Prior to hibernation, money will try to store itself in fatty deposits, such as Boris Johnson. Once the metabolic and economic rate slows, they will enter a torpor – almost vegetative – state, just like Boris Johnson.
People are advised to look through their sock drawers or dustbins, not for hibernating cash, but for food scraps, in the event of rationing. One scientist explained: ‘Sterling will remain dormant until the economy recovers and enters a sunnier period – so thank to Brexit, sometime in Spring 2068’.