Tesco supermarket has announced it will go into direct competition with Cooperative Funerals in a bid to corner the market in dead people. Tesco plan to follow the basic principle of ‘Stack ‘em high and sell ‘em cheap’ and will bury people in their car parks. Dead customers will be interned in a standing position to maximize parking space. The rollout begins next month, but trolley attendants at a trial store in Twickenham have been spotted pulling long trains of coffins.
Chief executive Dave Lewis said ‘This is an exciting new direction for Tesco. Not only will our funerals be cheaper and quicker than our rivals, but mourners will be able to collect bonus points and exclusive offers with each service they attend. Go to three Tesco funerals and you could enjoy a day out at Peppa Pig World, absolutely free!’ He denied that this heralded the end of bags for life, but suggested they could be a ‘low cost option’. He added ‘if being buried in a car park is good enough for a royal surely it’s good enough for the rest of us.’
The announcement comes as a blow to the Co-op which failed to invest in online ‘click and collect’ hearses. Lidl have teamed up with Greggs to offer cost-effective, value-orientated cremations with a hot pasty thrown in, but market analysts believe it may be too little too late.
In addition to burials, Jack in the Box will sell handkerchiefs, sandwiches, and pet insurance. Terms and conditions apply.
Hat tip to Terry Bunn