Labour to back Quantum Leap not People’s Vote

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Labour insiders are reporting that Jeremy Corbyn will support a plan for Dr Sam Beckett to travel back in time with his holographic friend, Al, to ensure a remain outcome in the 2016 referendum.

Having stored the massively excessive amount of electricity required for the jump into the past that Tom Watson generated on his exercise bike during his recent weight loss programme, the plan is now for Sam Beckett to ‘leap’ into the body of Kate Hoey and, whilst boating on the Thames with Nigel Farage, for Sam/Hoey to tip the then UKIP leader overboard into the water and thus rob the Brexiteers of their most fearsome advocate.

Party officials are worried though that once Conference finds out the Labour leader has harnessed the assistance of Dr Beckett and the power of Quantum-Leaping, assembled members may wish to use this unique power to set up other alternative time lines like Beckett leaping into the body of Glynis Kinnock and holding on to husband Neil more tightly so he doesn’t slip on the beach in 1983 or Beckett leaping into the body of Pontius Pilate and crucifying Barabbas instead so the Labour Party doesn’t have to sign the IHRA declaration and definition of anti-antisemitism.

Polls suggest that, at the moment, members are most likely to wish to vote to use the power to eradicate the mental image of Corbyn and Diane Abbot snogging in the 1970’s.

To counter the threat and possibility of the Labour party using Quantum Leaping in the advent of a snap election, Tory party officials are currently investigating the notion of a talking car running over Boris Johnson.

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Posted: Sep 23rd, 2018 by

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