Brian Sewell describes Heaven as ‘kitsch nightmare propped up by vulgar columns’

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Art critic Brian Sewell has launched an uncompromising verbal attack on the afterlife, calling it ‘meritless – a kind of memorial garden for the death of beauty’. He went on to describe the pearly gates as ‘clearly knocked up by a five-year-old’, angelic choirs as ‘unlistenable caterwauling’, and the throne of God as ‘something one might see in a Croydon second-hand store on a dreary Sunday afternoon’.

Mr Sewell arrived in the abode of God earlier this week after a short stay in Purgatory while his arrival was prepared for, which he called ‘intolerably ugly – probably designed by a woman’.

Upon entry, the critic was greeted with a swiftly curated exhibition of new paintings by long dead classical artists, mixed in with several contemporary pieces. However, the saints were disappointed after Sewell posted his review of their presentation in an arts supplement popular in the next life.

Sewell wrote: ‘If this God fellow is omnipotent, it’s hard to see how he could have presided over the creation of something so aesthetically nauseous. It looks to the educated eye more like the submitted work of GCSE students. Is this really the domain which inspired the paintings of Botticini, the poems of Milton and Bach’s sacred works?’

‘If this is Heaven, give me Hell, where at least one may gaze upon sights reminiscent of the triptychs of Bosch or Bacon.’

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Posted: Sep 24th, 2018 by

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