The threat level at Chequers has been officially raised to ‘Severe’ following the recent Panorama special which took us behind the scenes with Theresa May as she went about the business of securing a workable Brexit deal.
A source close to No.10 said: ‘We’re furious since footage was broadcast showing The PM and her husband sitting watching a minuscule TV in what looked like the living room of some pensioner’s house. Talk about setting yourself up as a target.’
‘What the hell were they thinking? The grounds around Chequers have been crawling with double glazing salesmen ever since, all desperate to get inside to hassle The PM and her husband long into the early hours of the morning to get a sale.’
‘We all know the drill, break the marks down by offering one special deal after another, refusing to leave the house until they crack under the intense pressure sales techniques, and then ultimately signing them up to a contract for all new windows, doors, gutters and soffit boards at some bloody extortionate cost to the taxpayer.’
One double glazing mogul, Gaz Dixon, Managing Director of Vista Windows, says he’s finding the challenge irresistible and has had his team of telesales staff trying to get him an appointment since the footage was shown.
‘If I could somehow get my foot in the door I’d snap up that order in one visit. Even if I had to stay put for a week. Just think what a case study of Chequers would look like on my brochures, website and TV ads,’ he says wistfully.
Meanwhile security services have warned as the problem has become so bad they are taking the gloves off and that from tomorrow any double glazing salesmen found at large in the grounds will be shot on sight with no questions asked. ‘So perhaps there may yet be some good comes from all of this,’ said the source.