Following the debacle of last year’s conference and the problems of an intruder, a dribbling PM and falling letters, set designers have taken all necessary precautions to ensure that this year’s gathering runs smoothly and without incident.
In the event of any intruder trying to storm the stage, the plan is for Conference to instantly vote for the return of capital punishment and to execute the intruder immediately on stage. Organisers believe this will not only deal with the issue of interruption but get the kind of big laugh from Conference that hasn’t happened since Kenny Everett wanted to bomb Russia or Ian Duncan Smith tried to look ‘hard’.
If the PM also thinks she will struggle with her water drinking and is worried about looking like someone who is mixing ecstacy and meth in front of hundreds of cameras, then a sippy cup will be available and she has been told to hold it firmly with both handles for maximum stability and that the Ribena inside is the sugar-free kind.
Finally, as the theme of each speaker changes, the Village People (who have already mastered four letters of the alphabet) will spell out each sentence with their bodies and it is really felt by the party this will not only help to support a message of diversity and inclusion but also the party’s on-going commitment to better funding for the police force, armed services and the construction industry.
When asked by reporters if the new set design was not in itself a danger to the PM and actually a bit of a death trap that would allow the conference to either strangle her, poison her or have her rushed off-stage by four burly men in the event of her cocking up the whole thing again, party officials provided no comment except to say that Mrs May had been fully briefed on the new plans and had accepted that it was perfectly sensible for Boris Johnson to be prepared to stab her in the chest with a biro in the event of a coughing fit to release pressure on her lungs.