Fans of ghost hunting documentaries have welcomed Channel 5’s decision to recommission Para-subnormal Witless, hosted by Danny Dyer and Vanessa Redgrave. The show was taken off air several years ago following the fatal drowning of scouse chancer and charlatan Eric Pakora in a vat of tanning lotion. It is hoped Pakora will make a guest appearance from beyond the grave, blowing in Danny Dyer’s ear and tapping Vanessa Redgrave on the shoulder – which is about the limit of his acting ability.
The production team have begun filming at the Rose and Crown pub, which is believed to be the second most haunted pub in Romford. The hostelry is home to ‘Fred’, the mischievous spirit of an old man who took a direct hit from a doodlebug in 1944. All they found of him was a pair of smouldering shoes and some dentures.
Regulars claim to have heard an eerie clickety-clack of false teeth, while the pub’s chef has reported unexplained temperature drops when walking into the fridge to fetch ingredients. ‘Fred’ is also blamed for drinking whiskey from the optics when the landlady isn’t looking, according to the landlord.
With the sad passing of Pakora, Redgrave and Dyer will be joined by celebrity medium Tipsy Rose Lee, who will describe the tragic history of haunted houses in astonishing detail, using only her psychic powers and an Internet search engine.
Vanessa Redgrave expressed delighted at joining the team, saying ‘Filling the shoes of great artistes like Eric and Keith Chegwin is a tall order, but I’m determined to do them justice.’
Danny Dyer added ‘I was born to be a celebrity ghost hunter because my eyes glow in the dark.’
Channel 5 hope to boost ratings by bringing old formats back from the dead. ‘How Clean is Your House?’ will return in the new year as the slightly revamped ‘Help! I’m Poor and Dirty Benefit Scum.’ And that old favourite ‘Extraordinary People: the boy with a shoe for a face’ returns as ‘Embarrassing Bodies: the Minister who talks through his arse’.